Labor

After my video yesterday I have been overwhelmed with love and support, messages, text and so on. I however haven't felt much different, my heart is in a place of utter pain and defeat. I find myself feeling frustrated with myself for being so emotional and allowing myself to be so effected after so many years of walking this journey. One of my friends that reached out to offer support and encouragement shared a podcast with me. In the podcast she is talking about Jacob wrestling with God and other people who wrestled with God. The thing that really stuck out to me was a part in the audio she talks about labor and the different stages. Now, obviously I myself haven't been through labor but I am pretty well versed in it and most all of my friends have experienced it themselves. There are different stages of labor, as the woman's body progresses and becomes ready to push. The last stage of labor is known as " transitional labor" and this is the shortest but most painful part of labor.

   "Transition, unlike active labor, is the storm before the calm that is the pushing stage. It is by far the hardest part of birthing, but also the shortest. It is here that a mother's focus might falter. This is the stage where women may doubt their ability to birth the baby and request medications. They may worry about how long labor will last and how much more intense it will become. Mother's become suggestible at this time and are the most vulnerable to accepting interventions they previously did not want. It is at this stage that the birth companion must be vigilant to her emotional needs and be her voice of reason should a cascade of interventions be suggested." 

^^^ This is a text a pulled from a natural birthing site. The words and terms used here I think can so easily be used within our natural and spiritual lives as well. I feel like this is where I am at in this journey we have been on. It makes sense! I am getting so discouraged with myself because I feel like after 7 years I would have a handle on this thing and understand that God has a plan and know all the right and "churchy" things to say and feel. However, what I feel is that I am done, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be strong- I am weak and I feel weak, can't somebody else walk this journey for me? But I am finding a shred of hope In this that transition labor may be the most intense and I may lose my mind and want to give up and cry and scream and beg and plead- BUT it is the shortest part----I have been walking this journey for many years and holding onto a promise I know the Lord gave me as a child and again a couple years into our marriage. My heart and emotions want to "Take the medicine" it would be easier for me to continue walking forward in fertility treatments and help God out. ( there is NOTHING wrong with fertility treatments AT ALL-- this is personal for us at this time) It is easy for my focus to to falter off the Lord and who He is, who is called me to be, the promise that He has given to me- the pain can be so intense that it doesn't seem worth it and I just want it be over. I wish I could end this blog with a happy note but the truth is, this is real and it is raw and it is where I am now. I honestly hate this, I hate that this is the journey that I have been given to walk- I hate being the "strong" one, and word to the wise don't tell someone who is walking this journey they are so strong. That honestly is the last thing we want to hear, we didn't ask for this and we aren't strong we are simply coping, it is all we can do. I know hate is a strong word and I think you can gather from the above words that my heart is in the right place. I truly know God has a plan I do and I really do feel that His promise WILL be fulfilled soon! However, I want to be honest with you all, I always have been and as you could see in my video yesterday---I'm hurting and it sucks.
So wherever you are today, maybe you are in "active" labor in the beginning stages of a hard road or maybe you to are where I am in the end, transition labor, feeling the deepest most intense pain and wondering how long this will last. I pray that you are able to hold fast to the promises that God has given you-- He will fulfill His promise to you, of that I AM CERTAIN- He is good, so good- even when life isn't.


 

Joyful in the mundane

     As I wade through the mounds of laundry and dirty dishes, stripping sheets and making beds, cleaning toilets and tubs, all while trying to keep my toddler from tearing the house down. The tasks of a stay at home mom can become daunting and sometimes it can seem that our lists of to do's are never ending. I guess you could say I have the gift of hospitality, I love hosting people and I feel like I was created to be the proverbs 31 woman, I just love being in the kitchen and cooking and cleaning, doing wife and mom things, to me its a ministry and a way of showing my love and heart to my family and friends.  I was talking with a friends today and sharing my stress as I was getting my house back in order, after hosting friends for a week, with my in laws coming to visit in one day. I used the allegory of my race and how much words have an affect on my attitude and behavior. For those of you who have ever attended or participated in a race you know that people line up along the side of the race, literally the whole way. They are holding signs with encouraging words and clapping and giving you those words you need to hear to keep moving. Now those people never did anything to physically make the run easier but simply reminded me of what I trained for how well I was doing and that was enough to totally refuel my heart and soul. I thrive off of those powerful words of life and love, encouragement and affirmations <--- definitely my love language. So often I find myself seeking that solely from my husband and while that is good and always feels nice, I think I need to be seeking that from the Lord. He is the one who can fulfill all that in my life, if only I take the time to be quiet and listen to His voice. I do have to brag on my husband, as this hasn't always been a strong point in his life. However, this past few weeks he has really been such an encouragement to me in his words of affirmation and in his actions. I think seeing me take on a lot this past week with our friends here really opened his eyes to the amount of things I do on a day to day basis. It just warmed my heart and lifted my soul to hear him thank me and encourage me, to see him chip in around the house as I was overloaded. Those sweet moments of relief and encouragement do so much to a tired mamas heart and soul. I have always loved those moms who just seem to have it all together, the cooking, the cleaning, the perfect children and awesome relationship with their husbands. I wondered for so long how they could seem to be so joyful when day to day life as a mom is so trying and hard. Over the last few months the Lord has really worked in my heart and life and showed me all these areas that He can fulfill in my life where I feel inadequate. So in all areas of my life I have began to allow him to fulfill, even when other people have the ability to do that, be it my husband or friends, and what has happened is amazing. I am thriving in these areas because I am getting my love and affirmation from the one who created me so the things which are daunting and so mundane I can have such joy in. You want to know what else is amazing, and I am so certain this is how God created it to be, if only we would listen and obey. My husband is seeing my joy in the everyday life, and he is giving me encouragement and helping out in different area. Now instead of that being my only source of encouragement and fuel for my soul, cause remember I am now getting all that from the Lord so my cup in full. NOW, my cup is running over, because I am getting above and beyond my actual need, and now feel abundantly loved and cherished. So sweet mama friends, I hope this is able to bring some encouragement to you heart and soul. We are able to have Joy in the mundane when we have Christ as our source of joy and contentment. 💕

Love,

Morgan 

A shift in our heart, a change in our lives

   I wanted to address and share what some of you may be questioning with my most recent posts. I have changed up the name of our Facebook  page as well as the content I will be blogging and posting about. With this new shift in our heart and thinking, my focus will no longer be solely on Infertility blogging but a much broader scope. I will be sharing what the Lord is doing in our hearts and lives, things we are experiencing and enjoying in life. As well as sharing the struggles that come along with life. I will still be sharing my heart and raising awareness for infertility and loss but as we hold to the promise the Lord has given to us of pregnancy I have been shifting my words and thinking. I am no  longer "infertile" and it's not "if I get pregnant" or "I can't get pregnant" but rather- "when we get pregnant" and "it hasn't happened yet but we can't wait for it". I truely believe that our words and our thinking really have an affect on our hearts and minds. When we tell ourselves something over and over even if it isn't truth it begins to feel like it is. Now like I said in my last post, please don't personalize all of this. I am in no way downgrading infertility, it's been our life for so many years and I know the pain and heartache that comes from it. I also know and believe that God is control and so good, but also has a different and amazing plan for each and every one of us. So as much as I want this to be an encouragement to those of you walking through this journey, please know I understand that God may be saying something else to you personally regarding  your journey.   I recently watched a sermon by a pastor based out of Miami, Florida. He and his wife had struggled with infertility for 8 years and were told by doctors that they would never get pregnant. They however, heard a word from the Lord and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord had told them that they would get pregnant. Months and years went by and nothing, even though they knew what the Lord had promised it was hard to understand why it was taking so long when they knew He had said this. They are currently pregnant!! How amazing is that? I can relate to this so much and if I am completely honest with myself I know that the Lord told me that we would become pregnant probably about 4 years ago. However, after so many months and years I started to doubt and fear and become weary in the waiting. Now I know the Lord has had a purpose in our journey so far that has led us to adopt our son and become parents and I wouldn't change that for anything! I just wanted to encouraging you to hold on to the promise that God has given you, NO MATTER WHAT. If it has been 2 weeks or 10 years since He gave you that promise, hold tight. We can't see the entire picture and what God is doing in our lives through our circumstance that can seem awful. All the while knowing but wanting to doubt this promise He gave. It can often feel like we are in the middle of an awful storm with no escape from the pain that will come from it but what we can't see is that His promise in the midst of the storm. A miracle in motion, as this pastor called it, and I just love that. I know we have this amazing miracle happening and I love that its in process and I can't wait for it to come to to pass. So be encouraged my friends while you may be in the middle of a terrible storm and struggle His promise can still stand through the storm.

I'm still in Your hands, this is my confidence. 

💖Morgan💖

He is good and He is for us

   It is hard to believe it has been 8 months since we first stepped foot into the fertility clinic to begin a walk down this hard and winding road. Equally as hard to believe that it has been nearly 6.5 years since we began trying to build our family, without any idea the weeks, months and years that were set before us and all the pain, heartache, joy and freedom we would find in it all. As most of you know, we started out the year going down the fertility treatment route, we were weary of it all but prayed and felt like we got an "okay" from the Lord to move forward in this way to build our family, so we did. After our second failed IUI, I felt very uneasy with moving forward with #3 I couldn't quite pinpoint why but I didn't have peace about it. We begin to talk about the idea of IVF and all that would entail, from what my medicine protocol would like it, to how in debt we would become from it. Still seeking the Lord along the way but feeling very fearful that my desire for pregnancy again were falling through my hands. We decide to go ahead and do a IVF orientation, something that is required for those doing IVF anyways regardless if we were ready to move forward the next month or  not for year, so we said okay! This meeting was a bit nerve racking and heart wrenching as we listening to the doctor talk about all that would happen, they loved us for IVF because we apparently have a great percentage 50-75% chance of success. I honestly don't know how they come up with these stats, like we have <3% to get pregnant naturally on our own- but we have unexplained infertility, frustrating for sure. So although our success rate is very high I am weary as to what makes them think that and honestly they can't guarantee anything, it is all so very strange really. Okay, so getting back to my point & story. The meeting was long, close to 3 hours, we talked about everything we learned every medicine I would have to be on up to 3-4 injections a day, estrogen patches, and progesterone injections up until I am 12 weeks pregnant. Not to mention all the oral medicine I would be taking as well to reduce risk of infection and not even entirely sure what it all is. We left the appointment feeling overwhelmed, well informed about what our next step would look like & cost if we decided to move forward in that direction, but overwhelmed non the less. I kept asking God, "Why would you say okay and let us walk down this route if you knew this would be the outcome?" He saw my heart break each month, the tears that seemed to never stop. I started to question whether I actually heard the Lord and if I just wanted this so badly that I made myself believe that He was okay with this. I believe the enemy loves when we get to this point in our walk with the Lord, we become to defeated by the trials we are facing that we begin to believe all the lies that he is feeding us and we begin down this slippery slope of despair. But God, He knows our hearts and desires, His plan for us is good, so good! So as I dove back into the word and really sought the Lord on this matter, He began to reveal things me in such a new way, it felt like I had been blind and now I see! For so many years I feel like I believed the lie that God wanted me to be barren, so that I would be able to use my trial, my sufferings to bring Him glory. Was I taught that? Why did I believe this lie? Cause sweet friends, that is NOT the heart of God. God is the one who created family, "Be fruitful and multiply", "Blessed is the one who's quiver is full ", "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward". <----So this is His will, this is how he created our lives to be and unfortunately the fall happened and sin entered the world, along with all kinds of diseases, including ones that cause fertility issues. My friends, this is not God's best, not His heart for us, it is so much greater and vast then we can even fathom. I struggled to truly share my heart and what He has shown me out of lack of faith in this area or varied options. So don't get me wrong, I believe God has an individual plan for each of us and only YOU can hear what that is for YOUR life, don't let anyway scare you out of believing what God has promised you! So I don't know about you but the God that I believe in is a God of miracles, healing the blind, raising the dead, and opening the wombs of so many barren women in the Bible! We believe God is good,His plan for us is good and we believe his promises are for us and you, my friends! So whats next? We are believing God for a miracle, we know it is coming and we cannot wait to give Him all the glory! In the meantime we will be doing all we can to prepare ourselves for our sweet miracle- mainly getting my body as healthy as possible. I will be focusing on getting my body to my healthy weight, I will be following an anti-inflammatory diet, endometriosis cause lots of inflammation, as well as other fertility issues I have. I am looking into adding as many herbs and natural supplements into my diet as well that will add in support of healthy fertility. I am open to and would love to hear any tips you may have or supplements that have helped you guys as well. I will be looking into consulting with a naturally minded doctor to gain wisdom and understanding as to what would best suit my needs. We are so grateful for all the support we have from our community of friends and family, it means so much to us knowing we have your prayers and suport behind us. We are so excited for all the Lord is doing in our lives, this has been a very rough year for us going through all of this and we are so thankful for the Lord revealing all these things to us, and for us being open to hearing. Moving forward we are focusing on growing in our relationship with the Lord, each other and our families. Please join us in prayer and faith as we trust God to work and move in our lives!


I will leave you with this worship song that has been such an encouragement to me lately.

The One who made the blind to see
Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me
The One who made the deaf to hear
Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins

I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles

The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles
You're the God of miracles
The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles
You're the God of miracles

Good and Faithful God

Dear Friends,

 I am not sure how to start out this post so forgive me if my words run together, the Lord has been speaking to me a lot and I want to share all that I can with you. It is with sadness and grief that the reason behind the post today is a failed treatment. Earlier in the month, like I stated in vaguely in our last post, we underwent our first IUI procedure. We had and STILL HAVE lots of hope, of course our hearts must grief that this was not the month or the timing that the Lord had in mind for us. In my heart of hearts I felt that the first treatment wouldn't happen, but I allowed myself to hope with great optimism, and NO I don't regret having that hope. I had some people in my life that tried to talk me down from the hope which the Lord had given me, the ability to dream and foresee a future with a new baby ( or two!). I realize that hurt is greater when the hope I had was so real, but dear friends, what do we have if not hope? I have been in a constant state of doubt and pessimism within our infertility struggle, completely jaded by the hurt month after month after month. I never allowed myself to hope or have joy in the future or trust the Lord had a plan or perfect time. I honestly just thought this obviously isn't for me, but why then, why would He give me the strongest desire to carry a child, why would He speak about the fruit our womb so much in His word if it wasn't a natural desire? So as much as my heart broke when I read the negative pregnancy test, I have hope and that my friends, is so much! I want to clarify something, I feel like I had been fed a lie that because we struggled with this I A- had done something to deserve this as a punishment or B-This isn't God's plan for me. Now let me say this, I am learning so much about the person of God and His heart as we continue into this journey and one of the things I have learned is children of your womb is biblical and a good desire from the Lord and its something that is important to Him or He wouldn't have spoke about it so much. I do think God has a different plan for each everyone of us but I think its so easy to almost shut the door on any area for that matter that isn't happening or seems impossible because, let me tell you keeping that door open is not a walk in the park. I have learned some hard things about myself and areas of my life I have been out of the will of God for so many years its not even funny. So I understand not wanting to keep that door open cause its hard friends, but oh dear ones, its so worth all the tears and brokenness to enter into this amazing place God wants to take you.  He never promised us it would easy He just promised we would never be alone. I know its so easy to look at those around you who have what you want and question Gods will in your life and ask Why. Just because they have what you want does not mean their life is perfect they more then likely are looking at you in desire of something that I have been seeking and begging of God for many years, so don't assume just because they have the thing you want that they aren't struggle in any areas. I want to share with you a short paragraph out of a devotional I read this week that really hit home and I hope it ministers to you the same way.

Oh, how I love her unflinching faith. Where barrenness and mistreatment by Pininnah could have caused Hannah to completely lose heart, she refused to be deterred from trusting in God. She possessed a faith that was not contingent upon her circumstances, but based on what she knew to be true about her good and faithful God. A faith that let her to pray with so much passion and boldness in the tabernacle that Eli, the high priest, accused her of being drunk ( 1 Samuel 1:13-14)
And in the matter of four verses ( 17-20)  her cries of aguish gave way to the cries of her newborn son. Of course, 1 Samuel 1:20 uses very clear words to let us know Hannah's answer didn't come right away.

I just love everthing about those words. My beloved friends, imagine the impact we could have in our families, churches, and communities if we could live the way Hannah did. If we would live our lives in reckless abandon and "have a faith that is not contingent on circumstances, but based on what WE KNOW to be true about our GOOD and FAITHFUL God." I know its so much easier to write and say those words then live them out but I want that, I don't know about you but I want it. As much as pregnancy and child bearing is a deep rooted desire in my heart and I would literally give my all for that miracle. Above all JESUS, He is the reason we live and breath and I want my life to glorify Him. If that means I spend the rest of this earthy life desiring pregnancy and never attaining it, however, in purist of it I am able to come into an even deeper rooted relationship with Christ. My brothers and sisters, I WILL, I will. Thats it, that is what we are here for, what we are created for to glorify and bring glory to His holy name. I know He has a perfect plan and perfect timing for everything in our lives, I also know He can see the whole picture and I only want to be in His will. I know He isn't finished and this isn't the end of our story but just the beginning. We will be continuing on with our fertility treatments as we seek His guidance and through each step we take we see His hand over it all. The amount of love and peace He has poured over me in these last few weeks of grief have been immeasurable and I am so grateful to have His hand in our lives as we walk this difficult road He has set before us. We are so very grateful for all our family and friends who have stood in the gap and lifted us up and those who have prayed and wept with us, you mean more to us then you will know. I will leave you with this, my Pastor is teaching a series that I think so applies to this time in our lives- JESUS IS BETTER! and is He ever. There was a song we sang at church today that left me in a puddle and I wanted to share it with you in hopes in encourages you in your current state. We love and appreciate you all so much.

The One who made the blind to see
Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me
The One who made the deaf to hear
Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear


[Chorus:]
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins


[Chorus x2:]
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles!
You're the God of miracles!

Blessed beyond measure

Hey friends! I made a quick video for y'all with a few little updates. We are so grateful for all the prayers and thoughts from everyone. We know you are investing in this journey with us as well but ask that you please allow us our privacy during these next weeks-month. We know you are so excited and want to share in our joy or mourn along side us but we really need to have some time just as a family to process whatever the outcome of these treatment may be. :) With that being said, we are so thankful for our friends that have truly stepped in like family (we unfortunately don't have family in state ) and helped us by keeping and loving on our sweet Beckham during all these visit- we are so grateful! ❤ Keep us in your prayers and thoughts and I will continue to update as we move forward in our journey.

 Blessings,


   Morgan Lynn

With grateful hearts and hopeful souls....

Hello Friends,

      I made a quick video update for y'all to get y'all in the loop as to where we are currently! Thank you again for all the prayer and encouragement, its been overwhelming! This has to be the most busy year of our lives, we are home for a couple weeks and then gone again. I am so grateful the Lord has blessed us with the ability to do so, it just is exhausting for sure! 

  My sweet sister is getting married in a couple weeks so be kind if I am delayed in replying to your comments and questions. I also wanted to mention if there are any topics or questions that y'all have and would like me to make a video on, I would be happy to! Feel free to comment or send me a private message, this topic is so sensitive so I understand wanting to stay anonymous.

Blessings to you all,

Morgan Lynn <3