Sunday, April 23, 2017

Good and Faithful God

Dear Friends,

 I am not sure how to start out this post so forgive me if my words run together, the Lord has been speaking to me a lot and I want to share all that I can with you. It is with sadness and grief that the reason behind the post today is a failed treatment. Earlier in the month, like I stated in vaguely in our last post, we underwent our first IUI procedure. We had and STILL HAVE lots of hope, of course our hearts must grief that this was not the month or the timing that the Lord had in mind for us. In my heart of hearts I felt that the first treatment wouldn't happen, but I allowed myself to hope with great optimism, and NO I don't regret having that hope. I had some people in my life that tried to talk me down from the hope which the Lord had given me, the ability to dream and foresee a future with a new baby ( or two!). I realize that hurt is greater when the hope I had was so real, but dear friends, what do we have if not hope? I have been in a constant state of doubt and pessimism within our infertility struggle, completely jaded by the hurt month after month after month. I never allowed myself to hope or have joy in the future or trust the Lord had a plan or perfect time. I honestly just thought this obviously isn't for me, but why then, why would He give me the strongest desire to carry a child, why would He speak about the fruit our womb so much in His word if it wasn't a natural desire? So as much as my heart broke when I read the negative pregnancy test, I have hope and that my friends, is so much! I want to clarify something, I feel like I had been fed a lie that because we struggled with this I A- had done something to deserve this as a punishment or B-This isn't God's plan for me. Now let me say this, I am learning so much about the person of God and His heart as we continue into this journey and one of the things I have learned is children of your womb is biblical and a good desire from the Lord and its something that is important to Him or He wouldn't have spoke about it so much. I do think God has a different plan for each everyone of us but I think its so easy to almost shut the door on any area for that matter that isn't happening or seems impossible because, let me tell you keeping that door open is not a walk in the park. I have learned some hard things about myself and areas of my life I have been out of the will of God for so many years its not even funny. So I understand not wanting to keep that door open cause its hard friends, but oh dear ones, its so worth all the tears and brokenness to enter into this amazing place God wants to take you.  He never promised us it would easy He just promised we would never be alone. I know its so easy to look at those around you who have what you want and question Gods will in your life and ask Why. Just because they have what you want does not mean their life is perfect they more then likely are looking at you in desire of something that I have been seeking and begging of God for many years, so don't assume just because they have the thing you want that they aren't struggle in any areas. I want to share with you a short paragraph out of a devotional I read this week that really hit home and I hope it ministers to you the same way.

Oh, how I love her unflinching faith. Where barrenness and mistreatment by Pininnah could have caused Hannah to completely lose heart, she refused to be deterred from trusting in God. She possessed a faith that was not contingent upon her circumstances, but based on what she knew to be true about her good and faithful God. A faith that let her to pray with so much passion and boldness in the tabernacle that Eli, the high priest, accused her of being drunk ( 1 Samuel 1:13-14)
And in the matter of four verses ( 17-20)  her cries of aguish gave way to the cries of her newborn son. Of course, 1 Samuel 1:20 uses very clear words to let us know Hannah's answer didn't come right away.

I just love everthing about those words. My beloved friends, imagine the impact we could have in our families, churches, and communities if we could live the way Hannah did. If we would live our lives in reckless abandon and "have a faith that is not contingent on circumstances, but based on what WE KNOW to be true about our GOOD and FAITHFUL God." I know its so much easier to write and say those words then live them out but I want that, I don't know about you but I want it. As much as pregnancy and child bearing is a deep rooted desire in my heart and I would literally give my all for that miracle. Above all JESUS, He is the reason we live and breath and I want my life to glorify Him. If that means I spend the rest of this earthy life desiring pregnancy and never attaining it, however, in purist of it I am able to come into an even deeper rooted relationship with Christ. My brothers and sisters, I WILL, I will. Thats it, that is what we are here for, what we are created for to glorify and bring glory to His holy name. I know He has a perfect plan and perfect timing for everything in our lives, I also know He can see the whole picture and I only want to be in His will. I know He isn't finished and this isn't the end of our story but just the beginning. We will be continuing on with our fertility treatments as we seek His guidance and through each step we take we see His hand over it all. The amount of love and peace He has poured over me in these last few weeks of grief have been immeasurable and I am so grateful to have His hand in our lives as we walk this difficult road He has set before us. We are so very grateful for all our family and friends who have stood in the gap and lifted us up and those who have prayed and wept with us, you mean more to us then you will know. I will leave you with this, my Pastor is teaching a series that I think so applies to this time in our lives- JESUS IS BETTER! and is He ever. There was a song we sang at church today that left me in a puddle and I wanted to share it with you in hopes in encourages you in your current state. We love and appreciate you all so much.

The One who made the blind to see
Is moving here in front of me, moving here in front of me
The One who made the deaf to hear
Is silencing my every fear, silencing my every fear


[Chorus:]
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
The One who does impossible is
Reaching out to make me whole
Reaching out to make me whole
The One who put death in its place
His life is flowing through my veins
His life is flowing through my veins


[Chorus x2:]
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
I believe in You, I believe in You
You're the God of miracles
The God who was and is to come
The power of the Risen One
The God who brings the dead to life
You're the God of miracles!
You're the God of miracles!

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