Labor

After my video yesterday I have been overwhelmed with love and support, messages, text and so on. I however haven't felt much different, my heart is in a place of utter pain and defeat. I find myself feeling frustrated with myself for being so emotional and allowing myself to be so effected after so many years of walking this journey. One of my friends that reached out to offer support and encouragement shared a podcast with me. In the podcast she is talking about Jacob wrestling with God and other people who wrestled with God. The thing that really stuck out to me was a part in the audio she talks about labor and the different stages. Now, obviously I myself haven't been through labor but I am pretty well versed in it and most all of my friends have experienced it themselves. There are different stages of labor, as the woman's body progresses and becomes ready to push. The last stage of labor is known as " transitional labor" and this is the shortest but most painful part of labor.

   "Transition, unlike active labor, is the storm before the calm that is the pushing stage. It is by far the hardest part of birthing, but also the shortest. It is here that a mother's focus might falter. This is the stage where women may doubt their ability to birth the baby and request medications. They may worry about how long labor will last and how much more intense it will become. Mother's become suggestible at this time and are the most vulnerable to accepting interventions they previously did not want. It is at this stage that the birth companion must be vigilant to her emotional needs and be her voice of reason should a cascade of interventions be suggested." 

^^^ This is a text a pulled from a natural birthing site. The words and terms used here I think can so easily be used within our natural and spiritual lives as well. I feel like this is where I am at in this journey we have been on. It makes sense! I am getting so discouraged with myself because I feel like after 7 years I would have a handle on this thing and understand that God has a plan and know all the right and "churchy" things to say and feel. However, what I feel is that I am done, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be strong- I am weak and I feel weak, can't somebody else walk this journey for me? But I am finding a shred of hope In this that transition labor may be the most intense and I may lose my mind and want to give up and cry and scream and beg and plead- BUT it is the shortest part----I have been walking this journey for many years and holding onto a promise I know the Lord gave me as a child and again a couple years into our marriage. My heart and emotions want to "Take the medicine" it would be easier for me to continue walking forward in fertility treatments and help God out. ( there is NOTHING wrong with fertility treatments AT ALL-- this is personal for us at this time) It is easy for my focus to to falter off the Lord and who He is, who is called me to be, the promise that He has given to me- the pain can be so intense that it doesn't seem worth it and I just want it be over. I wish I could end this blog with a happy note but the truth is, this is real and it is raw and it is where I am now. I honestly hate this, I hate that this is the journey that I have been given to walk- I hate being the "strong" one, and word to the wise don't tell someone who is walking this journey they are so strong. That honestly is the last thing we want to hear, we didn't ask for this and we aren't strong we are simply coping, it is all we can do. I know hate is a strong word and I think you can gather from the above words that my heart is in the right place. I truly know God has a plan I do and I really do feel that His promise WILL be fulfilled soon! However, I want to be honest with you all, I always have been and as you could see in my video yesterday---I'm hurting and it sucks.
So wherever you are today, maybe you are in "active" labor in the beginning stages of a hard road or maybe you to are where I am in the end, transition labor, feeling the deepest most intense pain and wondering how long this will last. I pray that you are able to hold fast to the promises that God has given you-- He will fulfill His promise to you, of that I AM CERTAIN- He is good, so good- even when life isn't.